Written by Rebut

Saturday, 7 August 2004

image for Michael Moore Returns As Father Ted
Producers were considering "Conan Doyle".

British hit series Father Ted will be returning to local screens sometime around September. The only change to the lineup sees American polemicist Michael Moore as the wonderful Father Ted..

Father Ted is of course the hilarious tale of three Catholic priests who live on Craggy Island. Taking care of the them is their eccentric housekeeper Mrs Doyle. When asked what the new series was about producers confirmed it was "about half an hour".

The comedy relies heavily on the traits of the individual priests and the housekeeper. Each one was carefully chosen then interwoven into the mix to achieve a fine balance.

Father Jack a thug, only able to say 'feck', 'arse', 'girls' and his favourite, 'drink'. Mrs Doyle who loves to make tea as if it is the very elixir from which all life is drawn.

The problem facing the producers, is that Father Dougal is characterised as being as thick as a plank. Father Ted, now being played by Moore however is even thicker which leaves the wonderful banter between the two up in the air.

The producers tried giving Father Dougal a full frontal lobotomy but found that he still outscored Moore on an IQ test. One school of thought was to rename the program 'dumb and dumber' but it was felt that that that might be cheating. Even "dumb and comatose seemed to fall short".

Bad turned to worse when they found out that the new Father Ted had even less of a vocabulary than Father Jack. All he was able to come up with was 'food', 'polemic' and 'Bush'.

This meant that they were unable to play Father Ted off against either Father Dougal or Father Jack because he would be more stupid or more comatose than either of them.

It was the sound director who finally came up with the solution. He pointed out that Moore seemed to have learned to walk erect recently and was always in search of the secret of fire. His grunts meant that he would best be suited to a cave near the Parochial House.

You put de lime in de cocoanut - you drink it all up.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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