Shock Corporate Announcement - CEO makes sense, company shares plummet!

Funny story written by George Fripley

Monday, 9 November 2009

Smith Enterprises Chief Executive Officer, Brad Smith, left the business community reeling yesterday. Mr Smith made his latest quarterly report speech using nothing but plain English.

Mr Smith told his audience that sales were increasing and that profits were clearly rising. He refused to use any fancy Powerpoint graphics in his presentation and also clearly stated that he would be employing more staff and that sales were forecast to remain steady for the next year.

When asked by respected business journalist, Anna Nuvvirfing, about his company's predicted derivative sales margins, he replied. "What are you crapping on about? Stop talking bollocks." Ms Nuvvirfing was lost for words when he asked her to explain her question in English.

The share price of Smith Enterprises immediately dropped as worried business analysts and bank executives expressed concern at the simplicity of his statements.

New Chairman of the Bank of Last Resort, Sir Roger d'Enwharey, was outraged. "He didn't use the phrase moving forward once, neither did he mention how his benchmarking and critical bendable metrics would be met. The man is skating on thin ice. His membership of a number of clubs will surely be under review now."

A number of shareholders who wished to remain anonymous were concerned that the use of simple easy-to-understand language would make their company a laughing stock. The Professor of Business Studies at Non Compos Mentis University, Carmen d'Zarstir, supported this view. Professor d'Zarstir said, "I believe that such simple language is going to confuse the broad target demographics and has the potential to lead to unintended collateral learnings among the general public.

Liability Brown, the CEO of the Chamber of Commerce and Industry, took a more cautious approach. "I don't believe that Mr Smith was feeling quite himself when he made his speech yesterday. I am sure that when he listens to what he has said he will apologise and explain his message in a more appropriate and unintelligible way."

Mr Smith remains unrepentant. "Mr Brown can stick his head up his arse. Surely they're all taking the piss?" he said, however the share price of Smith Enterprise continues to fall.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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