Winter is almost upon us, and the customary stampede to receive annual influenza vaccinations has taken an alarming turn.
Doctors across the whole of the country are reporting greater than expected incidents of violent behaviour amongst the elderly and infirm, as scurrilous and unfounded rumours of a vaccine shortage , fuelled by the media, spread like wildfire.
One practitioner, 'Dr. Roy Rogers' said, from his rural practice in Salford, Manchester. "It is madness, man. The old folk and the at risk are breaking into separate factions and splinter groups, and fights are breaking out all over the premises.
The 'heart problems' are holed-up in the practice nurse's treatment room, where all the vials of vaccine are stored. I believe they are inoculating themselves, and it is rumoured that a few are even overdosing in an attempt to protect themselves for next Winter as well."
Large groups of aged and generally infirm are reported to be prowling the streets of towns and villages across the land, looting surgeries at random and covering the country with a pervading stench of urine.
Gordon Brown's government is said to be on red alert, and is threatening to withdraw 'home help' support in an attempt to cripple the movement before it escalates and gets completely out of control.
TheSpoof.com has learned from an unknown source that reports of cat food theft and aggressive needlepoint are arriving from all corners of the nation.
God help us all.