David Cameron is a garden gnome

Funny story written by matwil

Saturday, 17 October 2009

image for David Cameron is a garden gnome
David Cameron

Politicians and the public were surprised today in the United Kingdom when it was revealed that Conservative Party leader David Cameron is actually just a garden gnome.

We caught up with the gnome as he was cycling along the road in Hampstead Heath, and asked him how being a garden ornament would persuade the country to vote for him, if the UK had a presidential system, which - although the media pretends it does - it doesn't. 'Oh, hello chaps', he said, 'getting off his bicycle, 'lovely morning, what? Have you seen Tony Big Ears?'

'Oh, yes, I've always been a garden gnome. But let me just say this. Um, OK, under those awful Labour oiks the garden just isn't tidy enough, is it? I mean, after a hundred years of them and their equal rights for snails and Europigeons the place is a bit of a confounded mess, what what what what!'

'But every morning my owner Mrs. Thatchler puts me exactly where she wants me - usually beside the drains - and there me and Tony Big Ears stand around all day, smiling and not doing anything and making the garden look nice and neat.'

'Policies? You're talking to a garden gnome, not an experienced politician with a firm grasp of economics, geopolitics and social and financial problems. All I know about is riding my bike, waffling childish crap, and, of course, standing in the garden for hours on end. You know, Mrs. Thatchler did a very funny thing yesterday. She played a game with all of us gnomes when her family were out at a BNP meeting.'

'She put me and Big Ears on the compost heap, and then got an EU air gun out and began shooting at us with it! Then she got her army of toy voters out of the attic, and began using them as target practice too.'

'I think she believes me and Big Ears and voters are nothing but cannon fodder for her and the EU, lucky I'm only a gnome or I might understand what that means! Well, time to go home, chaps, what? Mrs. Thatchler will want to polish me and her gnomes and her bust of Adolf Thatcher, before beheading a few effigies of Edward Teath.'

The fact that the leader of the once mighty Tory Party is nothing but a garden gnome, with no policies or understanding of anything except bicycle-riding and being used as sport by his owners, might disappoint voters, but luckily for Cameron a plague of slimy reptiles has appeared across Britain, the brown scotticus limpus. So the handful of people that vote any more in the UK will probably elect the garden gnome, just to get rid of the reptiles.

Who cares - Britain is now run by the unelected European Union.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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