What Does The DWP Do?

Funny story written by Fountain Pen

Tuesday, 6 October 2009


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Peter, a bright young man who has been seeking employment for almost one year when upon his last regular visit to the JobCentre Plus was told that he had to take any job he was offered or he faces losing his Jobseekers Allowance.

Minutes later he was offered a job with the DWP and knew if he refused he wouldn't be able to survive on nothing so was in effect being held to ransom by (un)civil servants.

A few days after starting work with the DWP - a department he detests for inefficiency and corruption - Peter being so used to abbreviating things in acronyms left a piece of paper which had names followed by either "t w a t" or "w th f" next to them.

His manager saw these and jumped to the wrong conclusions summoning Peter into his office questioning why he had written such language on pieces of paper.

The manager said that one was obvious that he was referring to some claimants as 'twats' and the other comment being 'what the f**k' and asked why these remarks were made.

Peter explained that 't w a t' stood for Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday whereas 'w th f' stood for Wednesday, Thursday, Friday'.

It was no surprise the manager came to these conclusions since he is so used to using these terms when he gets angry in his job. He often describes claimants he has success in misleading and conning as 'twats' and when he does not succeed he mumbles 'What the f**k' to himself.

Peter tried to explain there was nothing wrong with abbreviating words like this into acronyms so the manager told him he must not abbreviate anything like this again, but it was okay for him to make anagrams out of words if that is what he liked doing.

Later that day several documents appeared with 'The Department for Work and Pensions' changed to 'The Transport of Open Minded Wankers' which is an anagram of 'The Department for Work and Pensions'. His manager saw this and told Peter that only one word at a time should be made into an anagram, not a string of words. But what do you expect from someone who keeps changing the rules when something doesn't go their way?

Peter continues to abbreviate many expressions into rude acronyms irrespective of what his boss says. Whenever he comes across a claimant who seems to have no skills or abilities, he writes down 'wanker' next to their name which stands for 'wasteful and not knowledgeable enough really'.

The manager wouldn't comment on Peter's ways and often mumbles 'See you next time' at him which is a polite way to call Peter something rude: C(see) U(you) N(next) T(time).

Peter uses his meaning of what DWP stands for but won't tell anyone what it is.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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