Written by Jonathan Wain

Monday, 13 April 2009

Government documents leaked this week detail new plans being discussed to protect Gordon Brown from accusations of complicity in any illegal, illicit or immoral actions engaged in by his own party. The documents are believed to have been drawn up in response to the series of scandals involving Labour MP's that have been uncovered in recent weeks.

The aim of the plans appears to be to isolate the Prime Minister from his party, thus protect his image from any inappropriate actions that other party members may engage in.

According to the report the prime minister will no longer hold face to face meetings with any member of the Labour Party. Instead all communications will have to be submitted in writing, which will be censored for any trace of scandal by a suitable member of the cabinet.

The ministers believed to be in the frame for this role are Peter Mandelson and Jacqui Smith, both of whom are described in the report as having "invaluable first hand experience of the sort of scandal we are hoping to avoid". In addition the report also advises Gordon Brown to refrain from attending parliament, thus preventing him from accidentally bumping into any party members. Instead when Gordon Brown is required to address the house either recorded messages will be used or, alternatively, video conferencing with a time delay so that any damning content can be removed.

Opposition Outcry

The Conservative party have wasted no time in attacking these documents. In a press release issued just moments ago David Cameron described the plans as damming evidence that the Prime Minister had lost control of his own party. He went on to state that: "The question the public must ask themselves is a simple one. Can we trust a man who is running scared from his own party to govern this country?"

Civil liberty groups have also expressed concerns at the proposals branding them as an attempt by a Stalinist leader to smuggle totalitarianism in through the back door.

So far the government has remained strangely silent on the issue. However as we await a statement from Number 10 the question on everyone's lips is this, are we witnessing the fall of Labour?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Gordon Brown

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