Written by matwil

Friday, 10 April 2009

image for Queen hands out Laundry Money
'Call this Laundry Money, Your Madge??'

Today, in Suffolk, the Queen handed out Laundry Money to 83 people, The Great Unwashed of Bury St. Edmunds, in a ritual that dates back to when twin tubs were invented.

'We are here as Monarch to give out Laundry Money to our unwashed subjects', Her Majesty said, wearing a clean blue dress, a clean blue hat, and a clean blue coat.

'We know many millions of our subjects could do with a good scrub down, or at least get the caviar and champagne stains washed off their chemises once a day, but we can't afford more than 83 quid to give away, so that's yer lot, ya bunch of proles, now bugger off to the nearest Washomat and get yer kecks bleached!'

A 107-year old woman was among those receiving the Laundry Money, and she said: 'Thank you, Your High Cleanliness, now I can get my socks clean, they was niffing a bit. Had the Anti-Terrorist Squad round my house yesterday, said me socks was terrorising the neighbourhood, I arsks you!'

And another recipient, Boris Johanssen of London, added: 'Can I, um, you know, haha, use this, um, money to wash my hair? And bleach it white? I can, oh goody, tum tee tum, where's London gone? Oh, it's behind you, OK.'

Laundry Money was first given to the poorly-washed in 1926, when King George V said: 'The working classes were smelling so badly we could smell them from Buckingham Palace. Something had to be done, so we gave out a few dirty coins to a few yokels in somewhere or other, but the next minute they were calling for a General Strike over it! Damn' confusing.'

And in 1948 his son George VI remarked: 'Now that the socialists have taken over, the entire bally nation's unclean! Suppose we'd better keep bunging a few quid to a handful of them, though it would be easier just to chop all their heads orf, would save a bit of money too.'

At Bury St. Edmunds a huge crowd of ten, maybe twelve people turned out for the Laundry Money ceremony, though one was arrested for waving the British Union Flag, as it might offend someone who isn't British.

But the Duke of Edinburgh had the final word on the day's events. 'Laundry money? What do they need laundry money for? Are their servants on strike or something? This stinks, almost as badly as Liz's feet do in the morning.'

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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