Bristol,UK/ Population Control News - PM Brown's environmental expert, Jonathon Porritt, said today that half of the island's population "had to go" if it was to survive! Spoof Writer Buck Pissgums, was the first to make his way to Southampton and book a one way passage from the sinking Island, happy to escape with his life.
Pissgums said he was reacting to the Government Demands to reduce the population in half, 30 Million, or suffer death from Starvation, Excessive Sun Tanning, "football" Depression, liver damage or cancer caused by Curry Addiction.
Buck Pissgums, brother of Percival, formerly of the CONJOINED Pissgums of "Below Decks" fame, the spiraling out of control Spoof Novelette featured in the Magazine Section, recently returned from Dubai. The Pissgums do not have Israeli passports, nor do they look of Jewish descent, and were allowed to enter, where he and his arse hole brother underwent a 37 hour surgery to separate them, and will be the subject of an upcoming BBC Realty Show, "The Cutting Edge" featuring Arab doctors trained in India who did their internship in Pakistan, while paying their way through medical school selling T-shirts in Myrtle Beach, S.C.
Percival, contacted at a local pub, said he wanted to stay behind in Britain, and for that reason only, he agreed to the legal and surgical operation.
"Here's the thing, you see, "he said philosophically, " by me and Buck getting separated, we were able to meet the government quota of reducing the population in half, at least half of that which was formerly CONJOINED ! We've done our part for Queen and Country!"
Buck said he was on his way to Florida to take a job at Pirate World, the new interactive show at Disney World, and would have a lead role as a peg legged Pirate that never swears and befriends children of all ages, especially little girls. "It's a pisser of a job,"he said," all I have to do is keep the wee ones smiling, and clean the Parrot's cage!"
A spokesman for the Royal Navy said that President Obama has promised to continue the WW II policy of Lend Lease, and 3570 Liberty Ships were being taken out of mothballs to take off 28 million native Britons as they clamored to leave their beleaguered Island.
Approximately 22,000 citizens were refused emigration papers under the government mandated declaration that they were at least bi lingual, and essential to the continued running of he government, at least until the Crown could turn it over to the remaining 32 million recent EU arrivals as soon as they learned the King's English.
A sharp eyed editor noted that this was still 2 million over the alloted population authorized to live in the UK. "Not to worry, "said a harried PM Brown as he left his office, " we'll come up with a war, a riot, or something, and things will all level out!"
A spokesman said the PM was himself packing, and was checking to see which country had compatible VCRs so he could finally play all 25 Presidential DVDs given to him by President O'Bama in a recent state visit.
Skoob1999, another local spoof writer who plans to leave, said he has contracted for 4 Exxon Oil Tankers, and he expected to take all the beer he could commander with him. The tankers are flagged in Libya, and Skoob did say he hoped he didn't have to get off there. "I don't think they like Spoofers too much," he said, " especially ones like me, which would make it kinda hard to start over!"
Al Gore, almost recovered from Pneumonia in Jamaica, was having a pedicure, and said he noticed his carbon foot print "was looking better, and better."