Consternation among some Labour MP's today as the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, finally agreed to go ahead with controversial plans to harness the UK's last great, natural energy resource; Labour party founders and democratic socialists "spinning in their graves"!
It has long been known that expired, labour party founders have been rotating rapidly in their graves since "New Labour" came to power in Britain over a decade ago. The presence of increased amounts of Bullshit, methane, and hot air generated in the city reacts with the legacy of former party founders and patriarchs of the left.
This caused acute embarrassment to Blair and until recently, it was kept quiet. anyone who discussed it was considered to be"off message"! However, Impending ecological and financial catastrophe have forced Brown to confront this highly toxic and controversial legacy.
The desperate search for sustainable forms of energy has focussed minds and caused the government to address the incessant whirring noise that eminates from cemetaries the length and breadth of the country.
"It was Blair and Browns arrogance and conceit that caused this in the first place ", said Tony Ben. "They abandoned democratic socialist principles and the sacrifices of previous generations of working people in order to move into centre left politics. The Labour party proved so successful at becoming Tories that the Tory party ceased to exist for a while at least".
"Gordon Brown is in fact called Gordon Blue", claims "The Scotsman." "He developed his synonymous floppy jowls from spending so much time with his tongue stuck up Margaret Thatcher's arse."
Close friends of the Prime Minister refuse to confirm or deny rumours that he has a blue tongue and sleeps on his right. During a recent Commons clash, Brown was visibly shaking following taunts of "Blue tongued Skink" from the opposition benches; or the left of the Labour party as it is more commonly known.
Energy experts claim the founders of the Fabian Society alone are generating enough torque to drive a two thousand megawatt turbine shaft following every Labour gaffe to hit the headlines. Ramsey MacDonald, Ernest Bevin, Hugh Dalton and Clement Attlee could generate enough electricity to power the south of England indefinitely as they rotate progressively faster in their final resting places.
It has emerged that Lord Peter "Mandy" Mandelson accepted the tender from French contractors NOFI (No fuckin Idea) to build the generators around the resting places of enraged and incensed Labour founders and prominent members using PFI cash from a consortium of crooks, robber barons and financial weasels.
"We strive to keep British jobs foreign, where they belong! Outside of the United Kingdom and away from my incompetence, conceit, and arrogance," said Gordon Brown. "The Labour party believes that the private sector and financial institutions are the best places to gamble your pensions and savings away and screw the taxpayer over for allowing loan sharks to finance public build projects".
The government has been slow to recognise the potential of this new energy source largely because it is embarrassing to depend on the past for solutions to present day problems. Tony Blair attempted to tap into this energy but his 'kit' would not work in a moral vacuum and generated far too much spin leading to enormous friction and pressure. Greasy spivs like "Mandy" and Alistair Campbell were sent in to lubricate, propagate and make it work but an amoral chain of command snapped leading to an inevitable closure.
Some say Brown had a hand in sabotaging the new Labour generator, who knows?
"Following incompetence, greed, and delusion too big to measure, we should get electricity to cheap to meter," claimed a glowing, zombie like, Lewis L. Strauss, chairman of the Atomic Energy Commission in 1954.
"Britons have 'never had it so bad '," claimed the ghost of former Tory premier, Harold Macmillan.