Alarming government figures were today revealed that cannibalism has risen by 80% in the UK during the last ten years. In the past cannibalism was thought to have been committed by the odd random freak, but now even the everyday British citizen could be guilty if such a disgusting act.
There have been particular issues in Shropshire near the Welsh border where Welsh raiders have been attacking farms and carrying away farmers. One man, who says he only wants to be known as Farmer Joe, witnessed his friend Alf being carried away in one such attack.
"Oo-ar it was terrible," he said in a surprising Somerset accent. "I was sitting there watching the combine harvester didn't get out again when a group of wild looking men dressed in furs ran across the field and carried him off!"
It is thought likely that Alf is just one of many farmers who now what it feels like to be meat. A lot of farms across Shropshire are now what are called "ghost farms" where the only life to be found are the animals as the farmers have disappeared under mysterious circumstances.
Police are as yet refusing to say whether any of the animals are thought to be in league with the raiders. When Farmer Joe was asked if they were planning a retaliation raid his answer was "oo-ar" which was assumed to mean yes.
Suspicions even fall on Buckingham Palace where a strange dish has been reportedly served every month, around the same time a new Butler is advertised and yesterday it was reported a number of the household cavalry have disappeared under mysterious circumstances.
One restaurant has reportedly been using stray people found nearby and advertising them as chicken. Customer Services are said to be investing and they are likely to be sued for misleading information.
A statement has been issued by Gordon Brown warning all people not to venture outside after dark.
