Written by Dungeekin

Tuesday, 24 February 2009

image for Watchdog: Schools Should Go back to Basics

Schools should adopt 'back-to-basics' disciplinary methods in order to curb bad behaviour and improve educational standards, according to a report published today education watchdog.

The report praised the work of some state schools in deprived areas, which had instituted much more rigorous discipline and, as a result, had seen a marked increase in standards.

One inspector described how one head teacher had reintroduced flogging for talking in class, and had seen a 98% reduction in disciplinary reports after 300 pupils were given the cat-o-nine-tails in a single week.

In Rotherham, one failing inner-city school has been revived after head teacher Don Targue adopted US tactics - specifically the tactics used in Guantanamo Bay. Mr Targue said, "we have seen enormous increases in attendance since we set up the armed guard towers, and disciplinary problems are down to zero since we executed two pupils for bullying. The introduction of waterboarding for late homework has also been an absolute Godsend".

However, the Government rejected the report as 'unworkable', with Education Secretary Ed 'Blinky' Balls saying, "we can't have children subjected to such unreasonable treatment. I'm fine with a bit of thrashing and occasional torture, but the risk is that they might get educated as a result. Well-taught, well-balanced kids will play merry hell with our plans to get them all through University despite functional illiteracy, and destroy our plans for a country of benefit claimants".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: School, Education

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
37 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more