Primary Education 'Deficient'

Funny story written by Dungeekin

Friday, 20 February 2009

Children in England are getting a 'deficient' primary education, according to a report released today by the Cambridge Primary Review.

According to the report, primary schoolchildren are having far too much of their time and attention focused on 'unimportant' matters such as reading, writing and mathematics, and that as a result too many children are leaving primary school with excessive literacy and numeracy skills.

Professor Sandy Wetwipe, of the Cambridge Primary Review, said, "our argument is that children's educations, and subsequently their lives, are impoverished by receiving an education that is so fundamentally deficient".

Professor Wetwipe has recommended a radical reshape of the primary education system, including:

  • Reduction of writing tutoring to 1 hour per week;
  • Reading list to be reduced to 'Heat Magazine' and 'MySpace';
  • Introduction of 'citizenship training', including education on the best way to handle the PR demands of a pre-teen pregnancy;
  • Instruction on the benefits system, and mathematics tutoring to focus on calculating entitlement;
  • Diversity training, including the best way to wear and detonate a suicide belt;
  • History lessons covering the innovations and marvels of New Labour since 1997.

Education Secretary Ed Balls welcomed the report, saying "changes to the primary education system will ensure that we have the sort of children this Labour Government requires, and together with the implementation of an Oath of Allegiance will create the education system our children should have".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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