Oldham Man Jerome P Jerome of Chadderton was sentenced to eighteen months hard labour by Oldham magistrates for the crime of having crap chat up lines.
A multitude of Oldham women appeared in court to testify against the crap puller.
"He were right terrible," said Sandra Loosedrawers. "He came out wi' all these crap chat up lines from songs. He said to me:'I see a little pirouetta of a man Scary Mush Scary Mush will you do the bandana.' He didn't even get the pissing words right."
"They should've given him life if you ask me," said Gail Fartley. "He said to me:'If I said you had a beautiful body would you let me buy you a doner kebab.' which in my opinion is just gross.
"It gets worse, " said Cindy Thingys. "He said to me:'How you doing? Highways jammed with broken heroes.' What am I supposed to make of that?"
In sentencing Jerome, the senior magistrate told him:
"You're going down, down, down, deeper and down. Way down where the music plays. Take him away."
More as we get it.