In a tersely-worded statement issued today, the Prime Minister has declared that the New Year will begin, almost without doubt, on the 1st January, although for some civil servants, it may not be until at least the 16th.
Of February.
If it doesn't begin on the 1st of January as expected, the Prime Minister has said that it will be the fault of the honourable members of Her Majesty's Opposition. As well as Woolworths, Adams, Whittards, MFI and Zavvi.
There were riots in Nottingham city centre earlier today at the start of the Woolworth's sale. There were five charities fighting over the purchase of the premises, and at one stage baseball bats were produced, although the RSPCA were happy to accept six quid for the three.
Following talks between music entrepreneur Simon Cowbell and the EEC Commission , it has been confirmed that the UK's Eurovision Entry for 2010 will be written by a computer.
At a meeting of the G8 members held yesterday, it was decided that the third week in February will be "International Jihad Week", where lunatics of all persuasions will be encouraged to get their religious gripes and grievances over and done with prior to the start of spring tourist travelling season.
A special end of everything sale at Woolworths tomorrow will include backpacks, belts, fireworks and weedkiller at up to 50% off, if not buy one get one free,, and there will also be female assistants on hand should any particular Jihadist shoppers object to being served by males.
