JK Rowling admits stealing Potter stories

Funny story written by queen mudder

Saturday, 6 August 2005

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(HMP Belmarsh, London) Lawyers representing the prolific children's writer JK Rowling arrived today under armed police escort at the UK's No 1 maximum security prison HMP Belmarsh to visit their client who was arrested at dawn yesterday following Metropolitan Police Fraud Squad operations under section 666 of the UK Official Secrets Act (Theft and Plagiarisms).

Rowling, 43, is understood to have confessed to stealing all seven Harry Potter texts/page proofs from sources resident not a million miles away from Buckingham Palace, and to have claimed authorship, copyright and royalties for some seven years without anyone officially noticing. The testimony further alleges that she laundered these illicit proceeds through a Riggs Bank offshore account set up for her by Prince William, who recently began his City work experience with the financial organisation after glowing personal references from by Mr Kevin Maxwell and General Augusto Pinochet were accepted by the Bank along with his curriculum vitae.

A worried former UK Defence Secretary Geoff "Bab" Hoon was this morning reported to have been led away to the official MI5 DNA Testing Clinic at the Tower of London, along with family samples of fluids not easily identifiable to press photographers at 500 paces due north.

Meanwhile lawyers representing Rowling today issued a statement on behalf of their client amid frenzied media speculation that she has been named by the Met's Special Branch and Anti-Terrorist Division as the official mastermind of the recent London underground bombings:

"Our client Ms Rowling vehemently denies allegations that she has perpetrated a series of revenge attacks on the rightful author of all the Harry Potter books by framing her as the architect of the recent terrorist attacks in London. She also refutes the allegation that she was paid by Jonathan Aitken's old mucker Conrad Black to orchestrate a lengthy hate campaign involving the hiring of foreign mercenaries acting as bona fide asylum seekers who also acted as suicide bombers in the recent terrorism spate in London.

"Our client further questions the assertion that these actions were ordered by Pay-Pal transaction by Cherry Bush QC in her seminal New Millenium campaign to perpetrate a spate of personal attacks on anybody questioning the moral probity of the late Robert Maxwell, Robert Mugabe and Vladimir Putin's dodgy sister-in-law."

Rowling is expected to appear before magistrates tomorrow morning at Belmarsh Jail Court to answer these and other charges which are being filed by the Director of Public Prosecutions following a lengthy CIA investigation triggered by the Oil-for-Fraud investigation into corruption at the United Nations.

Meanwhile, a separate MI6/Interpol investigation spanning the 1979-1990 Thatcher administration years recently confirmed that Rowling is the bastard daughter of former perjury jailbird and Tory Party chairman Jeffrey Archer.

A statement is expected shortly.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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