When Mr. Norman Normal saw Jacqui Smith apparently helping an infirm old woman to cross the street, he made the mistake of his life by complimenting the Home Secretary on her kindness.
Now he is to be sued for ₤3 million for jeopardizing 'not only my Cabinet post, but my Party membership as well, since this outrageous allegation may cause me to be suspected of endorsing Old Labour values,' Smith fumed. 'And it could cost us votes in the next general election. The fact is that, far from "helping" the old bitch across the road, I was hustling her out of the way because she was taking an unconscionable length of time to negotiate the zebra crossing with her Zimmer frame.'
Moreover, Smith went on to explain, as soon as the opposite curb was reached, 'I got on my mobile and ordered her to be served with an Anti-Social Behaviour Order for the multiple offenses of obstructing traffic, being old, and showing disrespect for a person in authority by muttering "Get your hands off me, you bleedin' fascist."' As Smith noted acutely, the woman's unduly prolonged age was reflected in the belief that 'fascist' was a term of abuse.
Now the Home Secretary is busy marshaling support for her libel suit against Normal. She expects no difficulty.
'It's truly disgusting that anyone can bring such a charge against Jacqui,' says Hazel Blears, the Minister for Mindless Conformity. 'I've known her for years and can assure you that she hasn't a compassionate bone in her body.'
Smith's third-grade teacher (who does not wish to be named, because 'I keep wondering whether I could have been a better influence if I had acted differently' ) is ready to testify that 'Jacqui was the nastiest child I've ever had the misfortune to encounter, professionally or otherwise. She was always spying and informing on the other children over the slightest infraction of the rules. When I finally told her I didn't want to listen to any more of her tattle, she accused me of being soft on misbehaviour, and threatened to report me to the headteacher.'
In a desperate attempt to bolster his accusation, Normal hired a private investigator who was able to reveal that at one point Smith had disagreed with a plan of Jack Straw's to have benefit cheats boiled in oil. 'This so-called evidence is a "vile distortion", the Home Secretary declared. 'What happened was that Straw wanted to have them dunked in the boiling oil all at once, so that they died quickly, while I wanted it done slowly, bit by bit, like in The Prince and the Pauper. In fact,' she added with satisfaction, 'Jim Purnell, the current Secretary for Slavery, is giving my plan a second look.'
You might think that Jacqui Smith's record speaks for itself, even without such reinforcement. As she pointed out, 'Didn't I call for police harassment of badly behaved young people, even when they were accused of no crime?' she demanded. 'Didn't I promote 42-day detention without trial? Didn't I call for a universal DNA database, including samples of people who had not been convicted? Didn't I advocate up to 5 years in jail for cannabis users? Didn't I offer tasers to the police? It's not my fault if all those wimps in the Metropolitan Police Authority, the European Court, the House of Lords, and other hotbeds of anarchy, have undermined my efforts.'
With all this going against his reckless comment, the future looks bleak for Norman Normal, since Smith is determined to see him and his family reduced to total destitution and homelessness.
And the Sun headline 'Sadist Smith Sees off "Softy" Slander' indicates that the episode, far from costing New Labour votes, may rebound in the party's favour. 'We had been losing votes to the BNP in some areas,' crowed the Prime Minister. 'But now they're worried about how they can move farther to the right!'
