After continued requests to successive Home Secretaries for almost 15 years to do something about wheel clampers, Jacqui Smith has decided the Government will act.
She said" "We have been in government for over 5, er, 6, er 10 years, er, we've been in Government for a while now.
"We are a decisive government - well we used to be indecisive, but now we're not too sure - anyway, we know that one of the most distasteful things in Great Britain at the moment is the humble Nazi wheel clamper that we have continually allowed to get away with holding members of the public to ransom. Actually, the rise in prices in everything is fairly distasteful I suppose, and the fact the government keeps losing databases is fairly distasteful. Oh! And I don't much like that Big Brother. And that Jonathan Ross, he's got a dirty mouth. And.........oh!
"Yes, As I was saying. To demonstrate we are a government of action, now we have had 10 years to think about it we have decided to follow the Australian government's lead - they discussed and introduced legislation against car clampers within 5 months - and do something about it. No one likes their car clamped, especially drivers or people who own cars.
"So, we will be holding a meeting in 2012, straight after the Olympics and then hope to get legislation regarding these cowboys onto the statute books by 2023.
"So for the moment, please show respect and restraint when your car is clamped. Legislation is on the way within 15 years. My advice is, don't lose your temper with the bastards. Be pleasant as they haul you to the cash machine; if you ask them nicely they might even hold your dialysis machine or push your wheelchair for you.
"Now then, isn't that typical Labour decisive action for you, enough to ensure we are the right government for re-election when they hold an election at election time?
"Isn't that really fabulous, eh!"