UK Banks Do the "Bailout Boogy"

Funny story written by Judge Retort

Wednesday, 8 October 2008

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The dire day of reckoning has come for all the many prestigious old financial institutions of the United Kingdom as they face the heady realization that UK people are vulnerably softened by the American bailout to tolerate their own UK bailout - "Like sheep fattened for slaughter!", crowed Sir George Banks, royal Minister of Wealth Distribution.

He went on to add (as he expertly spun his umbrella around and around his wrist, looking out upon a dreary, rainy London morning, from the warm, dry safety of the towering, ancient stone edifice of his towering, ancient bank): "Well! I dare say a bailout should be a bit of a sticky wicket, what with tax rates already near 95%. But, where's that old English pluck, eh? We've long considered charging ahead and surmounting that 100% barrier, eh what? The English will keep a stiff upper lip in the face of adversity - self-imposed or otherwise. Haw! And, invoicing the populace; letting them borrow to pay their taxes. Good for the financial institutions, don't you know! Haw! Haw! After all: 'While stand the banks of England, England stands.' Aw, haw, haw, haw!!"

Bush Co-ordinates World Response

France, of course, is the next country to slap its populace with the multi-generational debt responsibility of a 'bailout' of its banking system. President Jacket du Shellack was quick to point out that it was indeed Napoleon who invented the bailout, after flooding money into the mortgage institutions because all the mortgage paying men had failed to return from their Russian holiday.

But then the leader of Italy decried this claiming that the ancient Caesars had invented it - Nero infamously playing the violin while the senate bailed out Rome. Germany howled with Teutonic indignation, snapped its collective hunnish heels together loudly, and screeched that Adolf Hitler (the original one - not the recent poseur in Iran) had invented the bailout - and the Internet, as well. (Sorry, Al 'Gigabit' Gore.)

Japan humbly bowed and proclaimed that only the Japanese people, under the divine guidance of the Emperor, were coordinated to pull off a bailout. China and Russia both asked, "What are you talking about?! Come on - when did the people ever have a choice in the first place??!!"

This went on and on. Even the Pygmy tribes of Africa had a little, teeny-weeny bailout. And all the kangaroos of Australia were grabbed and every last joey bailed out of every pouch of every kangaroo in Australia. And in Venezuela, only Kool-Aid stands were left to be nationalized by President 'Huggy' Hugo Chavez, so he began grabbing men off the street, shaking them upside down to free up their very last peso, and bailed out the kids.

Penguins in Antarctica began defrosting their freezers!

And then, mercifully, American President George "Yellow Socialism Rose of Texas" Bush announced that his dynasty would coordinate a thousand-year Reich of worldwide bailing out culture. And then he quickly got on the phone to his just married twin daughters to ask if there were any new little Bushes on the way yet.

Asian Stocks Tumble

Learning from the recent Olympics, Asian stockholders rolled the red carpets all back out, and began relieving their stress by tumbling back and forth while simultaneously performing amazing feats of financial acrobatics right from their handheld cell phones by convenient T9 text message control.

This can all only be best summed up by that famous final prophesy of the Wicked Witch of the West: "Oh, what a world! What a world!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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