Written by queen mudder

Wednesday, 8 October 2008

image for Global markets in turmoil following announcement of compulsory random drug tests for City traders
Up to 50% of cocaine was to have been refined from traders' urine in a Thames Estuary de-sal plant

London - (Toxic Mess): "You takin' the piss?" That was the sombre comment from one Canary Wharf trader today following the announcement that compulsory drug testing of City traders forms part of the UK government's bail-out of the banking industry.

Markets around the world reacted with turmoil and disbelief after the narcotic control measure was introduced in the UK.

Tomorrow emergency legislation in the United States is expected to include Wall Street in the measure.

UK Treasury sources have long turned a blind eye to the estimated 500 tonnes of cocaine that regularly pass up City workers' nostrils.

A cunning New labour arrangement had been planned with the Mayor of London, Thames Water and the Non-Aligned Crack Barons Association of Bogota to refine traders cocaine-enriched urine.

This would have seen up to 50% of 'spent' drugs recylced in a Thames Estuary desalination/urine refinery plant and resold on the black market.

The plan was shelved after Boris Johnson rumbled the ploy and demanded his own 25% cut.

More details of this fast breaking news item are expected later.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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