Preparing For Your Next Hospital Visit

Funny story written by Dan Bristol

Friday, 23 April 2004


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Me During My Last Hospital Stay

You know, I was recently reflecting on my last hospital stay. It began something like this: "OH MY GOD!!!! WHAT IS THAT STABBING PAIN IN MY CHEST!!! ACK! IT'S RUNNING DOWN MY ARM!!!!! GGGGGGGGGGAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

I had a heart attack; a goddamned myocardial infarction! It fuckin' HURT!

So I got to stay in the hospital for a few days while the doctors reminded me not to be a fat fuck and to quit smoking. I got a couple of stents put in and they released me the next day.

Let me tell you, friends, there are certain things that I wish I had understood back then about hospital visits. Very seldom is a trip to the hospital a pleasant affair, so here are some tips to help prepare you for the blessed event.

First of all, a trip to the hospital may not even be necessary. These days, we're surrounded by all manner of "holistic" treatment, like bee-pollen as a cure for brain cancer. If you are into that sort of thing, you can consider it as an alternative to the hospital stay. You just need to consider whether or not you actually want to get better . . . hippie.

It's inevitable that, at some point, they are going to stick a bedpan under your ass. They love that. There's nothing the hospital staff loves more than watching a grown adult struggle with taking a shit while they're in bed. I say: take the thrill away from them! Get some practice at home with your wok!

Then we have the subject of health plans. These days, you can't get adequate treatment without one. Well, I have a health plan that's unbeatable! When you're admitted to the hospital, just remember to bring about 500 dollars in fives with you to um, "grease the wheels", you know? You'll get your oxygen on time, that way.

It is also important to dress appropriately. You should wear clothing that is loose-fitting and comfortable....You know, clothing you can bleed in........a lot.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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