Triskaidekaphobic police round up 'killers'

Funny story written by Jimbo Gunn

Tuesday, 17 June 2008

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We're still wwwatching you

Police forces across Britain worked together today to round up a large number of suspects in the country's biggest ever pre-emptive strike against potential serial killers.

Recent data analysis lead by the Home Office, counter-terrorist agencies and the Serious and Organised Crime Agency (SOCA) concluded that serial killers and perpetrators of some of history's most gruesome offences were highly likely to have a total of exactly thirteen letters in their names:

  • Charles Manson
  • Harold Shipman
  • Frederick West
  • Osama Bin Laden
  • Jack The Ripper
  • George Bush Jnr

The findings were supported by Councils and local authorities accross the UK, who used powers under the Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act (RIPA) to request so-called "traffic data" from ISPs and analyse websites visited by those with exactly thirteen letters in their names.

Customers' browsing profiles generated by ad-targeting software Phorm were also studied, the results indicating a shocking interest in morbid subjects with keywords including "gravestones", "mortuary services" "undertakers" and "executor" being in the top ten of just one person arrested today.

"It's ridiculous," said detained owner of the profile Carl Criscione. "My father has just passed on and I was trying to organise the funeral and deal with the will." Police later re-arrested Mr. Criscione on suspicion of his father's murder.

The names and addresses of everyone targeted in the raids was gathered from the Central Government Database of Everything (CGDE), which was launched in response to the outrage following the last government's failure to prevent the deaths of 98 people killed in just one month by reckless owners of Ford motorcars.

Speaking from the US, Ford spokesman Jim Williamson disputed the statistics claiming that nearly 300 people were killed on the roads each month in Britain, and that although the number was particularly high that month, a significant proportion would always be Ford drivers. Sadly not anymore, since falling sales in light of the scandal forced the company to end distribution in the UK.

The Home Secretary Jacqui Smith claimed the database had saved "many lives", citing the very low numbers of people killed today by drivers of Ford cars.

Exiled civil liberties groups reported from Germany that the UK Government had made a "monumental" mistake and that Britain's surveillance society had to end now. Spokeswoman Hannah Richard claimed many innocent people also had exactly 13 letters in their names, herself included. Miss Richard was later arrested by Interpol on suspicion of future crimes after a warrant was issued by the Home Office.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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