As from today, the Labour government has made British regional accents illegal. All speaking in silly dialects will be oot the windae, tha knaws, and if ya dinnae like it then it's a Weegie kiss from Glesgae, ya bam.
Some British - known as Britishers by goose-stepping Nazi krauts - are not too keen on t'ban, I say, ban, and uthers do be in a roit dipsy-do over nuttin', me finks to mesen. But Her Majestic One, Elizabeth von Windsorstaffen II - or I, if you're not English - said :'We disapprove of speaking in dialects. And we shall remain much loved as long as we don't speak like a brain-damaged chimpanzee. No wonder we let those Yanks go, it's like a daily comedy show! Wonder if they'll learn what irony is in 2300?'
But Tatty Muncher leader Gerry O'Adamski, speaking from that most British part of Britain - Northern Ireland - said: 'We will not cointenance ony British occents, or ony British things at all - aport from post offices and trains. And jobs and money. And culture and ....'
And Democrotic Unionist leader Ian Paisley added: 'THAR WILL BE NO SURRENDER! AND NO POPE! AND NO OCCENTS! Another cup of tea for youse, Jorry?'
But the final word went to ex-Prime Minister, Antonio Blairio the Pious One. 'Um, well, OK, accents are sort of OK, you know, as long as you don't have one. I don't have an accent, and neither has my mother. One likes to do the right thing, and we will shortly be having tea with our German relations from one's auntie Rene's side in Wedding, a delightful suburb of Berlin.'
Alex Samun isnae amused by this, and also denies that Scots now run Inglun. Jim Baxter is 68 today, ya bampots.
