Documents found today which had laid undiscovered in a box room in the British Library for over 90 years revealed that deaths on the Titanic could have been drastically reduced had there been no shops on board.
It appears that there was a huge rush amongst women passengers for the shopping mall when news of the "50% Sinking Sale", hastily arranged by the purser, was announced, once he knew there was no hope for the stricken luxury liner.
While Celine Dion was busy screeching on the bow to Lenny De Capricorn and Kathleen Windsome's vacant stares into each other's frost encrusted eyes, over 130 women were fitfully trying to grab a bargain in the sale.
The report from the onboard retail manager revealed that the women "were like animals, fighting each other over silver trinkets, silk throws and Icebergs for Idiots books". It seems there was "total mayhem, chaos and icy water".
The report continued: "There were discarded lifejackets everywhere as passengers fought with one another to try on fashion accessories and jewelry, with white five pound notes floating everywhere. The shop assistants were also experiencing extreme difficulty getting into the store-rooms because of the water, and the ink on the hastily written sale signs was also running."
It concludes "On refection, announcing a sale at this time was not one of the most astute moves the company made, although it did save at least 130 women from a fate worse than Celine Dion."
