The Home Office has launched plans for a National Stand Still Day next month so it can properly count the number of foreign immigrants in the UK.
"We don't know how many immigrants there are in the country," admitted one one junior minister. "We could wait for the census in three years but that doesn't tell us everything because most immigrants don't bother to fill it in."
The National Stand Still Day will allow officials to do a proper head count of the population.
"We will blow a whistle, which will be broadcast on all TV and radio channels," said the minister, "and everyone in the country will be asked to stand still.
"Someone wearing a yellow tabard will come round and count you and ask if you are a citizen or a foreigner. We will not ask your religion or your sexual preference. Unless you're good looking."
The head count is expected to take up to ten hours, but the Government said it will prioritise pregnant ladies and old farts who have wobbly knees. And people who need a wee.
Once you have been counted you will be allowed to sit down but cannot move until everyone has been counted.
"When we've finished we will blow a whistle twice," said the minister.
The date has yet to be announced because Parliament is debating whether it should take place on a school day or a weekend.
