Written by Norton Folgate

Wednesday, 21 May 2008

image for On yer Bike

It's official. Cyclists in the City of London have topped a MORI poll regarding what is the most threatening thing in the capital today.

Gun and Knife crimes came in at number 2, terrorism at 3; Global Warming was 4th with a Nuclear War placed at joint 9th with Coldplay.

It is these 'lower eco-friendly non carbon footprint save the planet David Cameron wannabees who strike the most fear and uproar. Many pedestrians said 'it does not matter when you are crossing the road and the green man is showing, they still whiz past like a poor mans Lance Armstrong. They are nothing but vermin and hanging is too good for the bastards' said an emotional Ethel Walker, 84 of Bethnal Green.

We spoke with another Londoner who said, 'I live in Chelsea so it's imperative that I have a 4x4 to take my little darlings to private School and I like nothing more than revving the engine giving them a face full of fumes. My how Tarquin and Jasmine my children chuckle when I do that!'

Sid Dexter, a van driver from Brockley, SE London said 'I saw one of them the other day (a cyclist) and he had come off his bike on Bishopsgate in the City. I stopped the van and went up to him and took a photo of him on my mobile phone. Fuck me! I couldn't stop laughing and nearly wet myself!' It got me a caution off the Old Bill but no complaints; they were only doing their job'.

A special meeting takes place next week where members of the public can meet and discuss with pro cyclist's air their differences and actively seek to resolve this growing concern.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: London, Cycling

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