Snooker with String

Written by Norton Folgate

Saturday, 3 May 2008

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Pete is a Giant Panda who resides in Central London, very close in fact to the inner circle at Regents Park. He considers the likes of Jude Law, Sophie Ellis-Bexter and Jamie Oliver who live in trendy Primrose Hill as his neighbours.

Pete is being actively encouraged to mate with Cha Cha a female Panda from China who lists her interests as current affairs, classical music, reading, needlework and sidoko.

Pete is taking a great deal of 'flack' from all parties as he refuses to mate with Cha Cha but what nobody knows is that Pete is not suffering from impotence, nor is he gay.

Pete is a Panda with a huge financial burden.

The reason? Pete has invested heavily in the past in a number of failed business ventures and as such, is concerned that he has not even got a private pension.

Pete was expected to mate with Cha Cha last August but this coincided with the collapse of the building society Northern Rock. Pete had a lifetime's savings in the building society and was deeply concerned that he would suffer significant financial losses.

Cha Cha picks up the story 'I invited Pete round to my enclosure, lit a few scented candles, put on a bit of Norah Jones and even got in a few bottles of San Miguel (Pete's favourite) to set the right mood. I even got some Pringles in.

He was supposed to be over at 7.30pm but only turned up at just after 9.00pm, he didn't apologise and seemed distracted, something was definitely on his mind and he didn't even want a beer preferring a vodka and coke. Pete never drinks vodka, he did once at a wedding we attended and it gets him a bit edgy and even aggressive.

I asked him what was the matter but he said nothing and for me to stop giving him grief; he then went onto CNN (I'd just had Sky fitted, the full package, I even got the sports channels for Pete because he's a massive Arsenal fan) but he was engrossed in the collapse of the housing Market and the credit crunch in America.

He stayed until around 10.00pm and said he'd call me but that was a week ago, he now just sits in his enclosure and drinks. It's very sad.'

Pete's behaviour has been noticed by others, one neighbour, Anton, a Madagascan Ringed Tailed Lima said 'most days, Pete would be heard on the Karaoke, we bought him one last year for Christmas. He's got a good voice, does a cracking Gary Barlow but since then he rarely picks up his mike, even when he gets requests.

We are all rallying around Pete and even arranged a conference call from a spokesperson from the FSA (Financial Services Authority) but Pete was not willing to take the call and just ordered some more vodka. His appearance is dishevelled and he is rarely seen and he seems to listen to Radio heads The Bends album continually.

The Spoof also spoke with clothing retail giant Next who said that Pete was in arrears on his Next Directory account which had been frozen pending payment.

The Spoof had hoped to speak exclusively with Pete but when we rang his enclosure but his phone was diverting to voicemail; he has also yet to respond to our e-mails at time of this article.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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