The poor state of English, maths, history, geography, science, French and everything else taught in state schools, is being blamed on the 6-fold rise in the employment of unqualified teachers in schools to almost 17,000.
Schools minister Jim Knight, unable to blame the Conservatives (although he rightly blames the UKIP a bit) said:
"I am amazing. I mean, I am amazed. When our former president Lord, Sir Tony Blair said 'education, education, education' we all thought it was just a wife-induced stammer, or at least the shock of owning such a huge mortgage. We honestly never thought for one moment that we actually needed qualified teachers in schools.
"Up to now, the main criteria for teaching in schools has been a clean CRB (Criminal Record Bureau) record, no sexually transmitted diseases and an ability to use both Facebook and an i-Pod. We simply don't believe in wasting time on training and qualifications that take years when people can get back into schools to teach as soon as they finish school themselves.
"We simply don't see a lack of professional teaching knowledge or an ability to deal with someone else's snotty child without becoming violent as being a barrier. Why do you think the union is called the NUT? Because you have to be a hard one in teaching, regardless of which side of the desk you sit on, unless, of course, it's beside a 16-year old virgin who no longer wants to be virgin, which is very forbidden.
"Now, as I am visiting Brinsworth Comprehensive in Rotherham tomorrow, please excuse me while I head off to swot up on the words to that song by the Arctic Gorillas, or was that the Antarctic Monkeys. Or something.
"Minging. Cool. Brill. Chavtastic."
