Buckingham Palace - (Silly Ass Mess): The Queen has told social services to find Prince Philip a place in an old folks home after finally booting him out of the Palace.
The wily 87 year-old codger was frogmarched to a geriatric ward at the Royal Flea Hospital after some sordid Nazi orgy business with Max Mosley last weekend threatened to make national headlines.
The official story says Philip is being treated for a nasty chest.
"That's Puppet Monarch-speak for a Houdini-style S&M caper with a bondage equipment trunk," a spokesman for the Lord Chamberlaid Lord Luce-Cannon said today.
"Apparently Philip got one of the Mosley slags to tie him up in a rubber straightjacket.
"He then got so overheated by all the excitement that the rubber melted straight onto his torso.
"They had to prise him off the whipping rack and resuscitate him with the colonic irrigation pump.
"Now there's several weeks of plastic surgery before he can be let out in public again."
Max Mosley is a gibbering wreck.
