Barnstaple residents' disgust amid Jackson reports

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Thursday, 13 March 2008

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Protestesters stormed the local town hall at today's news

Devon - (Ass Mess): "This is not some fetid sleazebag sex tourism hell-hole like Los Angeles but a beautiful, unspoilt holiday destination," a Barnstaple Rotary Club source complained today.

The outcry follows the news that the successful US tribute act and alleged child molester litigant known as Michael Jackson is planning to move to a local property.

The disgust is typical of the ancient North Devon market town's many residents.

They have warned property prices will plummet, businesses close down and surrounding areas become ghost towns if Jackson so much as steps within a 100 mile radius of the West England beauty spot.

An emergency meeting of the Barnstaple Hysteric Society has drawn up a list of measures to ensure any attempt by Jackson to make himself comfortable at his sibling's Rathole Manor bolthole will be thwarted.

These include releasing farmyard slurry sluice gates to flood adjoining meadows, permitting continuous 24/7 motocross Olympic trials in neighbouring land and exercising ancient manorial grazing rights to ringfence the property with a herd of the country's fiercest bullocks.

"If all else fails we can, of course, send in the Morris Dancers."

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