Prince Harry insists he is not up for a hero and hails the "humbling' bravery of his mates and squaddies who can eat any size or amount of sandwiches, as well as go days without bathing.
Prince Harry exclaimed during this morning's press briefing: "I've never, ever been so dirty!"
Prince Hal, third-in-line to the disputed Throne of England, returned yesterday from the battlefronts at Agincourt and Hastings and called his several weeks on frontlines the "happiest of my life" and claims he would love to return to the Senlac Hill battlefront "very, very soon".
"Just as soon as I've had a wash and nice long nap!", he declared.
The 23-year-old prince insists he is not merely MoD arrow-fodder but a "really really important piece", a Queen or at least a Rook, in the British Empire's pointless, over-reported and very expensive overseas game of chess.
Henry admitted to reporters that he does rather look forward, after a round of toasted ham sandwiches, to a nice hot bubble bath amid his collection of squeaky ducks and toy ships, but adds "I don't want to just sit around in Windsor. I generally don't like England that much and, you know, it's jolly nice to be away from the press, the tarts, and the Queen."
He also suggested a precedent may have been set, enabling his brother, Prince William, second-in-line to the disputed Throne of England, to accompany him to his next destination: active frontline operations at the Battle of Bosworth Field.
"Willy will love getting dirty, too!" he exclaimed, adding that Bosworth Field would be really, really decisive and that " the armies of Richard III will finally get what's coming to them!"
Prince Hal's tour of duty was cut short last week after sneaky colonials at CNN broke a worldwide media blackout by leaking his deployment to Agincourt.
The leak eventually led to fears he would actually be targeted by the enemy and shot, or at least nicked, so he was returned to the UK to have a decent tea, some candies and long overdue bath.
He landed this morning at RAF Brize Norton in Oxfordshire, where he was met with big hugs and prezzies from Prince Charles and Prince William.
MoD insiders unofficially confirm reports that plans are now being laid to send the perky royal to Bosworth Field.
Some question the wisdom of deploying Harry against Richard III and his Lancastrian forces, but Ministry of Defence insiders report definite plans being laid for a daybreak landing at Milford Haven.
Dynastic experts warn, however, that he may find a crown dangling from a Market Bosworth bush and decide to put it on.
This could conceivably slow the labyrinthine pan-European intrigues designed to restore Franz, Duke of Bavaria and heir of the House of Stuart, to his rightful place as King of England, Scotland and Ireland.
Franz Bonaventura Adalbert Maria Herzog von Bayern, Duke of Bavaria and future King of England, could not be reached for comment.
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Tragic Rabbit, Voice of London
