London - (Preposterous Mess): Kate Middleton has given Prince William a St Valentine's Day ultimatum: take the Harley Street gay cure, buy the ring, make the announcement "or the homoerotic video footage gets posted on the Royal AC/DC Channel on YouTube."
"Bottom line," her chum Livia Lewdness said today, "William has to prove he's done with that tacky bi-sexual phase.
"Kate's not at all sure that psychotherapy and colonic irrigation has managed to flush out his leanings," the party girl added.
Last year William signed up for the thirty week Alpha Course in Managed Masculinity run by Ministry of Defence psychiatrists.
But he was caught in bed with his therapy sergeant major analyst on the second session of the interactive course.
"The shrink was disciplined internally," an MoD spokesman commented, "and William fled with his tail between his legs back to his Clarence House."
As she waits at home ticking off the hours to Saint Valentine's Day Kate Middleton is hopeful reason will prevail.
"Love, love changes everything!" as the song lyrics say.
