London - (Reuterus): Desperate royal wannabe Kate Middleton spent her 26th birthday in the Chelsea Snatch & Scrot-Rot Clinic after returning from a break in Barbados covered in green oozy pustules.
Four hours and 100cc of industrial-strength penicillin shots in the bum later she looked a right picture as she strolled down the Kings Road pursued by....absolutely no one, including paparazzi.
The silly stick-insect bastard daughter of Prince Charles and BBC newsreader Fiona 'Crimebotch' Bruce then faced the music in an interview with the Northern Crock Bank fraud department after some of her holiday cheques mysteriously bounced following attempts to draw £50,000 cash from an ATM at Bogota Airport, Colombia.
Tonight she'll be spending her birthday evening - like last year - alone with nothing more than a two litre bottle of Creme de Menthe and the customary 3 gram packet of coke while the Pretender's son William is holed up in an RAF flying school.
"Expect the a fabulous royal engagement announcement imminently!" were this tonight's London Evening Tosser headlines.
