Drowning Street - (Subprime Mess): UK de facto despot and Prime Monster Gorgon Brown is facing the worst week of his life.
An out-of-control US spy satellite hurtling to crash-land in his Dunfermline East constituency has been tracked by British tabloids which have downloaded its entire espionage payload detailing ten years of Labour Party donor bank account movements.
These also show that Royal porno video blackmail 'victim' and Christies' Auctioneers chair Lord Linley is actually Lord 'Cashpoint' Levy's bastard son.
In London the Met's Serious & Disorganised Crime Agency prepares to name up to five UK lenders including the Treasury which are trading fraudulently.
In Praia Da Iluzion Portuguese investigators are preparing a search warrant to dig up the McCanns' back garden in Leicestershire.
And in East London Olympics site contractors stage a massive walkout as a giant crater swallows up three quarters of the proposed Olympic Village.
At his Chequers weekend residence the PM was looking haggard 'in a Pastor Ted Haggard kind of way' .
Frantic phone calls from JK Rowling are threatening to grass up Chancellor Alistair Darling's SocGen rogue trader connections unless her fantasy authorship of the Harry Potter stories is removed from MI5 files.
Back in London the Met's religious cults investigations division is scheduling a raid on Mayor Ken Livingstone's fiefdom after DNA breakthroughs in the case of an African minor's limbless body washed up in the Thames tested positive to a cabbal of advisers running his Congestion Charge policy unit.
David Beckham is apoplectic.