The Conservative leader David Cameron is attempting the world's first solo swim to the Arctic, it was revealed yesterday. The announcement was made at a press conference, arranged by the right-wing 'Tories For Swimming To The Arctic Circle' group, headed by Conservative MP Sir Whipsnade Thoughts, a former member of the SDP-Man Utd Alliance.
"David intends to demonstrate that, in spite of all the so-called 'evidence', the seas are still cold, thereby proving beyond doubt that all this global warming shilly-shally is nonsense", said Sir Whipsnade. "How are we to believe that the Earth is heating up, when there are still polar bears catching kippers in the seas? I'm not going to turn down MY central heating for some half-baked 'theory'."
Mr Cameron, no stranger to acts of political daring, will set off from Blackpool beach next Wednesday, wearing nothing but swimming trunks, a top hat and some flippers. He will be monitored all of the way by members of the right-wing 'Monitoring All The Way' group, who will follow him in their boat, the Jolly Hitler.
Mr Cameron will cover himself in asbestos oil and volcanic lava to keep out most of the cold, and, in addition, will set fire to his legs for the last hundred miles of the journey.
Liberal Democrat spokesperson on Swimming To The Arctic Circle, MP Greville Whinge, said: "This is simply a publicity stunt. We in the Lib Dems have long advocated setting fire to everyone'slegs as a means of generating cheap electricity - how does he even dare to look the electorate in the face again?" He added mysteriously, "and what are these things growing out of my eyes?"
Scottish Nationalist leader Salmon McGlossachs was also sceptical: "Och grue m'lukes, ah heek o'thruke glee, and a gloamin? We'll ne'er screek the lowlands afore ye, ah say."
The debate continues on ITV2, following Racing From Canada.
