Buckingham Palace - (Bas Ass Mess): The Queen always knew that Diana's former butler Paul Burrell was a jumped-up nonentity dedicated to carving a stellar career for himself through blackmail and arselicking of stratospheric proportions according to Palace sources quoted at the Princess's inquest today.
A statement from the Lord Chamberlain Lord Luce-Cannon was read out in court and dismissed Burrell's self-publicising posturings as the rabid rantings of an overblown ego high on a cocktail of recreational drugs.
"But he had Her Maj over a barrel," the statement continued, "because as Kensington Palace's top drugs dealer to the Puppet Monarchy he knew all their horrid little secrets."
When a police investigation in 2002 found Burrell had ransacked Diana's personal belongings soon after her DUI death in August 1997 the ex-butler threatened to expose the cosy Palace arrangements that helped royal courtiers supplement their piddly sinecures by dealing-on whatever they managed to score from Burrell on a monthly basis.
"It's not hard to see why all charges were dropped."