The Liz and Phil Tapes

Written by JAB

Wednesday, 2 January 2008

image for The Liz and Phil Tapes
Bottoms up Liz

LANGLEY, Virginia -- A classified recording from the National Security Agency (NSA) has recently surfaced. It was made during the May 2007 visit by Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh to the United States. It has affectionately been dubbed the "The Liz and Phil" tapes.

HRM: "Be a dear, Philip, and help me take my purse off."
HRH: "Yes, Your Majesty."
HRM:"In case you've forgotten, Philip, we aren't in the United Kingdom, you need not be so formal."
HRH:"Yes, ma'am."

HRM:"How are you enjoying your trip to America, Philip?"
HRH:"Quite extraordinary, although, I do miss seeing native costumes, like we saw in Rangoon and Canada."
HRM:"Yes, quite."
HRH:"At least your hats are smashing, ma'am, the hats they were wearing at the Kentucky Derby looked like Bella Abzug rejects."
HRM: "I did so enjoy the Derby, although, I thought Elton and Helen Mirren were to join us?"
HRH:"Honestly, I 'm not so sure the Yanks could have handled three Queens."
HRM:"I did miss Elton, he's the only one who knows how to curtsy properly."

HRM:"I must remember to tell Prince about my wager."
HRH: … [sounds of humming] "Purple Rain,Purple Rain..."
HRM:"Not that Prince, you twit, our son, Charles Philip Arthur George, Prince of Wales."
HRH:"What about your wager? Did you put a 'fiver' on, 'Street Sense'?"
HRM:"Of course, with that mane and the bowed legs, he so reminded me of Camilla, I knew it was a winner."
HRH:"I was thinking of myself and put a tener on 'Imawildandcrazyguy'."

HRM:"I do like George and Laura Bush, such a nice couple, unlike that Tony and Cherie Blair."
HRH:"What's so ghastly about them?"
HRM:"Such a common name, Tony, you would think he'd at least change it to Anthony."
HRH:"But our grandson is called Harry,not Harold."
HRM:"Philip, don't make me cross, we both know he doesn't look like either of his parents, now does he?"
HRH:"I still think that George Bush is a prat after that wink he gave you on the South Lawn."
HRM:"It gave me a tingle I haven't had for a long time. Maybe if you had something, other than a stiff upper lip, your Queen would be better served."

HRH:"How about some crumpet then?"
HRM:"Not now Philip, I have a migraine."
HRM:"Now, Philip, there's no need to be vulgar."
HRH:"That's the name of the preserve the Yanks use for breakie."

HRM:"Well, I think I'll turn in, good night, Philip."
HRH:"Good night, ma'am, don't let the bed bugs bite."
HRM:"Hardly, with you in the other bed."
HRM: … [barely audible]"Wanker."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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