Zimmer Frames to be outlawed in England

Funny story written by Dan Holmes

Thursday, 8 April 2004

image for Zimmer Frames to be outlawed in England
Soon she'll have to crawl...

In a move certain to exacerbate already strained relations between the UK government and its Senior Citizens (or Old Gits as they are widely known) the Health and Safety Executive has recommended that Zimmer Frames be banned from June this year.

"We've been monitoring the Zimmer Frame situation for some time now" says McTeague Bonsor, Deputy Chief Executive of the HSE, "and frankly we're alarmed by what we've discovered. Between 1999 and 2004 there were approximately 2,354,889 accidents involving Zimmer Frames and people over the age of 16. Many of these were fatal - though not enough. We felt that something must be done to protect Old Gits from themselves."

Zimmer Frames are designed to support people who can't walk unaided, giving them a degree of mobility they would otherwise lack. The problem as identified by the HSE is that Zimmers allow people to travel distances and reach speeds they cannot control. "Some of these Old Gits get up to jogging speed, simply by leaning forward and looking down. Once they're going that fast they just can't stop. For instance the woman in our picture went face first into the dining table. Our photographer had to wrestle her to the ground. We've fished Old Gits out of canals, from under parked cars, from inside cement mixers, from up trees. And we've had to scrape up loads of them from the bottoms of staircases where they've simply sailed off the top step without touching the rest."

"We recognise the danger that Zimmer Frames pose for both the old and the young" said a spokesrobot for the Ministry of Internal Affairs. "For this reason we are banning them from June. Anyone selling a Zimmer after that will be clapped in irons. Any Old Git found in possession of one will be pulped and turned into catfood. This menace must be stamped out. And how much nicer it will be for everybody without Old Gits cluttering up the place. Exterminate, exterminate."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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