The M25 of the aviation world, Heathrow, has half baked five radical new 'pilot' schemes to combat its growing over use.
First on the list is the extension of runways into destination countries, thus eliminating the need for planes to take off and land. Despite jourmeys taking up to three weeks via the new 'terrestrial road flying' passengers will be given a free luxury running commentary on the history of local sights onboard one of the new 'open-top' planes.
A second option is levying congestion zone charges against anyone who flies within the central business district or high street/duty free area . Number plates will be taken and guilty pilots could have their daily pre-flight alcohol rations reduced if convicted.
Further to this, Heathrow plans to build 18 sky benches where planes can stop for a rest 10,000 miles above the airport before joining the queue to get in, after which they will undoubtedly be told by an air-traffic bouncer that Heathrow now operates a 'no trainers' policy.
Another option is 'Cyber Travel', a semi-new, semi-revolutionary method of travel. Instead of having to actually 'risk' real life foreigners, travellers can don a wetsuit style outfit that will cybernetically create the illusion of being tugged at the trouser leg by scruffy young street begging urchins and can actually simulate the feeling of nausea caused by excessive sangria and greasy foreign muck food.
A last resort is urging passengers not to fly, but to send the money they would have spent flying each year to one of the various airlines.
Plans are already underway to miniaturise planes to the size of a small fridge/freezer unit in order to meet the growing need for UK citizens to flee this god forsaken snivelling little country.