Man's Murder Attempt On Neighbour

Funny story written by Paul Mac

Saturday, 10 November 2007

image for Man's Murder Attempt On Neighbour
Usher yesterday

A Darwen man has been injured in a tragic misunderstanding involving a famous TV chat show host.

Roy Silk of Redearth Road was injured outside Sudell Road Chip Shop when his next-door neighbour Mr Robert Usher sprang out of an alleyway and attacked him with a plastic fork which had been previously discarded on the pavement outside the Chippery.

Surprisingly, Usher has no previous convictions, he is kind to animals and has even been seen in Church. However this latest incident will almost certainly put an end to his freedom.

The attack is the culmination of months of torture for Usher at the hands of daytime television shows in which Usher was obsessed. While unemployed Usher religiously watched shows such as Tricia, Jeremy Kyle and Jerry Springer, he had recently developed an unhealthy interest in old re-runs of the show 'Kilroy', aired on the UK Gold channel.

Each time the early morning TV show Kilroy was shown on TV, Usher became convinced malign forces were urging him to kill his next door neighbour Roy Silk.

DC Nathan Knutt of Darwen Police stated "When Robert Usher heard the BBC announcer say 'Ladies & Gentlemen, please welcome your host, Robert Kilroy Silk,' Usher's eyes would cloud over like some zombie and he would immediately head for his next door neighbour, Mr Roy Silk, attempting to kill him. Usher believed that a subliminal message was being conveyed to him via the chat show and that he was being directly instructed to dispose of his aptly (but unfortunately) named neighbour."

The Darwen Newswire contacted retired star and Agony Uncle Robert Kilroy-Silk, former presenter of said show, who expressed his sadness at the incident. He stated that this was not the first time it had occurred and to avoid further happenings he would shortly be changing his name by deed poll.

He will soon be known as "Robert Strangle-Carol-Vorderman-now"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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