Tesco to introduce male-only checkouts.

Funny story written by Fergus McCarthy

Friday, 23 November 2007

image for Tesco to introduce male-only checkouts.
Men only checkouts now at Tesco.

Tesco, the British retail giant is to introduce male only checkouts after a man collapsed and was rushed to hospital yesterday with what has been described as a stress-induced heart attack. The man is said to be in a serious but stable condition.

Tesco's customer care spokesman, Ralph Cakewell, explained at the Milton Keynes superstore earlier today, "after a meeting with the Health & Safety Executive and the Tesco Board of Management earlier today, we have decided to introduce a series of male-only checkouts in all our European stores in order to avoid any further incidents of this nature".

Our chief grocery correspondent quizzed some male customers as they were leaving the store and asked them their opinions on men only checkouts.

One, Mr Fergus Shauneson, said

"I think it's a bleedin' great idea, I only went in to get a 6 pack of Stella, 20 Malboro and a macaroni ready meal and it took me 20 minutes to get through the friggin' checkout because of all the women in front of me.

"There were 3 women, all with full trollies and not one of the bitches would let me through even though they could see I only had a couple of things and then when they go to pay, they're fuckin' round rumagging for their purses, counting out the change to the exact penny, gabbing about the weather, telling each other how good their hair looks, drives me fucking nuts.

"Then out comes their loyalty cards, mustn't forget the club card points they'll get 50p off a packet of rice with their next lot of vouchers, then they still have to put the bleedin' money away in their purse and then put the purse in their handbag and that's before they even pack the shopping, and you can almost guarantee that at least 1 in 3 of them has forgotten to get sugar or bleedin' nappies so everyone has to wait while they waddle their fat arse back down the aisle to look for a pack of 8-12kg Pampers and they have the nerve to leave their snot-nosed little bastard of a baby in the trolley screaming into your face because the ugly little shite thinks his mother has abandoned him!

"I'd use the self-scan checkouts but those poxy things are more annoying than a long queue with a real person at the other end beepin' your beer.

"Sorry if I sound like an angry resentful old fart but it's just the way I feel about it.

"So yeah, in short, I think it's a marvellous idea."

"Thank you, and how old are you if that's not too personal a question?"


The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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