Sustainable Energy: Foreigners

Funny story written by Candice Hitler

Tuesday, 30 October 2007

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He used to be a surgeon. Now he impersonates Roy Chubby Brown. Filthy. Look at that awful little cap. Twat.

'Lazy, bearded and speaking in tongues' is how Jacqui Smith described the 1.1 million immigrants currently filling a necessary niche market in the UK economy by cleaning people's car windows at traffic lights and supplying the UK with much needed 'Lucky Heather'.

Mrs Smith said it was 'unfair' and 'a bit of a pisser' that there has been a recent influx of Eastern Europeans entering the UK and 'stealing our unemployment.'

Under her new proposal immigrants who cannot recite all the plays of William Shakespeare or name all the cast (including crew) of bawdy lo-humour TV hit 'Carry On..' will be gathered up into small trading estates and used as a renewable energy source.

Speaking to the press who were still awake, she said 'the flow of Romanians, Albanians and Geraniums into our country is a source of perpetual energy that, if properly captured, could power an egg manufacturers or a sock bakers factory for six weeks a month'

'Exploit Our Welfare', the group that represents overseas dossers in the UK said the plans would be a welcome relief from the daily burden of having to talk to immigrants and from having to constantly de-lice them.

Janet Street-Cleaner, Head of EOW, toothed the following statement; 'Instead of opening a kebab shop or drinking meths on the street these people could be given a much wanted opportunity to power a huge turbine by cycling for 22 hours a day. Many of them are used to this kind of regime and this would help them integrate into the national grid.'

We spoke to Kosovan 'Janich Tolodos' today about the proposal but after donating almost £1.63 to his alcohol fund he stil had nothing coherent to say, but he did try to grope our boom mike which was definately £1.63's worth of entertainment.

The UK now has the highest rate of Eastern Europeans in Europe, beating even Bulgaria and Serbia. Some parts of the capital of the UK, London, have been transformed into Eastern Blocks, with daily cattle marriage and sister baiting commonplace.

England has recalled all Ex-Pats back to it's shores in a bid to redress the balance. Teams of ex-military, colonial racists and drunken ambassadors are being forced to return in order to cancel out the growing virus of foreign bacteria.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown is expected to anounce a nationwide cull of any immigrants unwilling to contribute to the power station scheme. Immigrants stil wishing to enter the UK will now be held in an off shore detention centre known as France. Here they will stay for upto 35 years before being considered entry to our superior country.

Those who then wish to proceed will be branded and tagged so as to be monitored by Metropolitan Police Forces, who will then decide to randomly shoot one in the face on a train every month so as to dissuade others from sponging off the state or becoming a nanny.

We surveyed 100 average English citizens who told us they had not noticed the arrival of the work-shy drooling babblers claiming they thought they were 'probably Scottish'.

If controversial plans to build a giant draw bridge between Hull and Rotterdam go ahead we could see even more foreign beggars arrive. Only this time we'll be ready for them.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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