Buckingham Palace - (Ass Mess): Queen Elizabeth has told courtiers to change the locks, the safe combination and all the Palace phone numbers after fearing her days are numbered now that Gordon Brown's in charge of No 10 Drowning Street.
Sources close to Lord Chamberlain Lord Luce-Cannon said today that the tense 45 minute meeting between Old Fatty Mountbatten and the new Prime Monster of the UK confirmed her worst suspicions:
"Queen Elizabeth has always dreaded the day when some mad Scottish decendant of Jack the Ripper takes over running the country," an equerry said today.
"She had all the valuables super-glued to the furniture in case Brown's restless fingers strayed over the ormolu clocks, Constable paintings, commemoriative Meissen figureines and countless family heirlooms.
"Brown's record for light-fingered mischief is notorious in those hallowed Palace circles, especially after he floged off the nation's gold bullion and made a loss of £600 million in the sale.
"Each time he looks at her the old dear comes over all a-tizzy, as if he's waiting to snatch her gold dentures and melt them down to bolster the country's piss-poor bullion reserves."
Before his lunchtime audience at Buck House today Palace staff were ordered to carry out an intensive inventory of all assets in the reception chambers where the new Prime Monster waited to greet the old quisling monarch.
The actual investiture - or "kissing of hands" was videotaped on police orders and all the silver counted before he was allowed to leave and return to Drowning Street.
QEII's medication has now been upped and extra security posted around the clock "incase the madman Brown tries to do a Princess Diana in the Pont d'Alma tunnel" on the ageing old matriarch, just as he promised to do in his CND and Communist Party days.