Mystery of dead church organist found in giant vacuum-sealed plastic bag

Funny story written by queen mudder

Monday, 30 April 2007

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Vacuum cleaner shenanigans blamed

Teeside - (Rotters): Police were baffled by the bizarre find of a dead church organist, 48 year old Ian Kemp from Stockton, whose naked shackled body was discovered inside a giant plastic bag "the sort coke dealers use for their one gram deals but considerably bigger".

The Hardwick Baptist Church organist was a popular figure in his parish and had a number of friends in the domestic cleaning industry.

Could this explain the weird twist of a vacuum cleaner pipe found connected to the plastic bag, with the motor still running on the Hooverette Little Imp Portable Sensotronic model marketed for its superior sucking powers?

No evidence was offered on that point.

"Apart from that there were no suspicious circumstances", Teesside Coroner's Court was told on Friday.

A police psychiatric expert said that he had never seen anything quite like it in all his born days but believed that "such incidents could sometimes be connected to sexual gratification".

The deceased's naked body was discovered by family members who said his legs were "tied at the shins by brown parcel tape" while his wrists were bound "by a silver chain".

A was a roll of parcel tape was disovered.

Friends of Kemp described him as "a self-taught amateur" and a good organist.

"It is not what he does in the hymns, but what he plays and how he plays," a colleague related. "On that scale, Ian scored very highly indeed".

The coroner was told that Mr Kemp's organ will be kept in the church and used in services "as a way of remembering him."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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