Our correspondant has discovered that the massive earthquakes which have rocked Kent this weekend were actually caused by death-rays directed from the newly discovered Earth-like planet Gliese 58,120 light years away.
The county of Kent has disappeared into a massive black hole and huge spaceships are expected to land at any moment.
Our man on the ground sent this garbled report "It's chaos here, the death rays swept the green carpet of Kent this morning and left nothing but ash. Then the Earth opened up and swallowed the remains. Its Armageddon and oh my god......" The report ended abruptly at this point and contact is yet to be reestablished.
The government today typically white-washed any link to the earthquake and Gliese 581, branding the reports flooding in from all over Kent "fear-mongering."
However, unconfirmed reports coming in state that Stephen Hawking has taken off into outer space this morning in an unscheduled rocket flight. Almost simultaneously all cough and cold remedies have been withdrawn from sale in chemists all over the Britain.
Tony Blair in a press statement released today said, "The chances of anything coming from Gliese 581 are a million to one."
