Windsor Barracks - (Rotters): The commander of the Sixth Battalion of the Death Watch Beetle has told the MoD that Prince (sic) Harry is a flaming disaster whose dedication to soaking up alcohol is secondary only to his determination to continue impersonating the younger son of the Pretender to the Throne.
Harry was caught plastered in a Mayfair gutter this weekend after clubbers taunted him that he was a namby-pamby shirtlifting tosser who cheated at his A Levels and paid off Sandhurst examiners with the promise of a life peerages in Blair's House of Lords.
Other jibes at his Harry Potter ankle socks and matching wooly scarf resulted in a 3am fracas which left
the Royal Protection Squad nanny facing immediate demotion to parking fines enforcement.
Official plans for the princelet to be posted to Baghdad just as soon as all the civil war skirmishing is over have been delayed because refurbishment of one of Saddam's former palaces is behind schedule.
His performance last night after downing a bottle of Jack Daniels, seventeen Carlsberg Specials, two jugs of Pernod and a litre of Advocaat will be reassessed to see if he still matches the rigorous army standards involved in an Iraq tour of duty where only the local fermented camel urine is available to commissioned officers with less than two years' experience.
Chelsy Davy has missed her period.
