London - (Rotters): The Law Lords are to hear an appeal this week that says the Church of England's money-spinning idea of putting mobile phone masts on steeples contravenes the spirit of the Human Frights Act because of delayed gratification in the provision of pornography to millions of expectant Anglicans everywhere.
Up and down England's greedy and pleasant land, parishes have leapt at the chance to install these masts in an effort to boost congregation figures by promising adult channels with a no-holds-barred menu.
Telecom companies have had to cough up hundreds of thousands of pounds for these erections which have so far proved to be a damp squib for the majority of eager parishioners who were hoping to dodge the backroom of the local seedy video stores at last.
Westminster Abbey, St Paul's Cathedral, St Michael's-on-the-Mount and even Guildford Cathedral all have a mast under their splendid edifices. And all are protected by ancient C of E by-laws which state the Church can provide its parishioners with its own services if these are 'a lesser evil than those provided by godless heathen competitors' standard rates'.
But so far the hottest porn to emerge from this new telecoms service was a slightly awkward nudist Icelandic version of The Sound of Music which went down like a bomb in the Cotswold's parish of St Hermans-by-the-Burner.
The Law Lords will hear this week that most mobile phones can now transmit dangerously obscene internet images and it's about time Church Commissioners kept their promises to their expectant flocks who are willing to take their fight to the European Court of Inuhuman Rights if the Lords bid fails.
The landmark ruling will determine if the C of E can keep to its promised Easter schedule that was used in its campaign to sign up customers late last year.
