Trunk driving village to brink

Written by Findolphin

Friday, 2 March 2007

image for Trunk driving village to brink
Even this fella's chipping in

A community in the County's heartland is set to take up arms over the proposed construction of a trunk road that will swathe through it like "a black serpent from the bowels of hell."

The fate of Lower Trunion lies within the hands of its inhabitants, according to Spokesman Ralph Shakeshaft who stated, 'We cannot and must not allow the ministry to ride roughshod over our village. I have contacted key members of the parish, and together we will formulate a plan to defeat these oppressors. Ideally, our aim will be to stop this abomination in its tracks, or at least have it diverted through Giggleswade on the other side of the hillock.'

Mr Shakeshaft, a retired asphalt entrepreneur, and known locally as a rampant campaigner, is best remembered for nearly thwarting the erection of a mobile phone mast on Bleak Hill. 'We would have prevailed too,' he recalled, 'if the populous weren't so obsessed with text. It sickens me to the core. You can't take a stroll without observing some kind of textual activity.'

This time, the community appear to be united. Hetty Warble, 64, who works at the Crusty Buns bakers shop declared, 'I can't believe that the planned route takes in the cemetery. I've heard tell that tombs will be exhumed and relocated. My parents will be turning in their grave, and my old Mother was never good on her legs.'

Others too voiced their concerns from where they sat in the snug of the Rose & Crown; the main ones being noise, pollution and new intake. 'The village has its own identity,' said Ernie Hobbleton, 'and is barely a pin-prick on the map. Even the Jehovah Witnesses can't find us. But if the road goes ahead, where will it lead? Well into town of course, I know that, but ecologically? Before we know it, there'll be strangers taking up residence and parading through the High Street. I can see it now; the Post Office queue will be agony.'

Mr Shakeshaft declared an interest in being elected as Chairman of a select committee, and a show of hands followed. In the absence of any opposition, Mr Shakeshaft won the vote 3 to 2 following an abstention by Albert Bitte, the Landlord of the hostelry.

'This is going to be a long, hard road,' pronounced the newly elected Chairman. 'But we will not sit in the middle of it - unless the bulldozers move in. We will select top gear and drive our point home.'

It is hoped the first official meeting of the campaign will take place on Tuesday week in the smoke room of the Rose & Crown, provided the Karaoke play-offs can be cancelled. Further details can be obtained from Ralph Shakeshaft, c/o Crumpet Cottage.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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