Written by Brancastrian

Friday, 23 February 2007

image for Countryfolk Hit Back At Second Home Owners!
The Countryside-Beware!

There is uproar and pandemonium on the picturesque North Norfolk coast this morning as it was confirmed that village communities and Parish Council's would, after all, be able to implement a local tax and other costings against second home owners.

Chairman of Little Dumpling Parish Council, Alice Horsenick said "...well this is a triumph. For all too long, these people have come in and bought up homes that should be for the locals, the people who should be living in the village and working on my farm for all hours under the sun and for a ridiculous wage..."

Parish Clerk Jane Blake added "...I've bin doin' this jooob for four-ee yirs and oi am fed up with these folk o' come in 'ere and do this and do tha' and do nathin' for the community..."

Talk at the village pub, "The Old Boat" was all about the charges. Initial thoughts revolve around payment of a 200% levy on top of existing Council tax payments. As well as that, second home owners will be expected to offer their first born to the village elders as a sacrifice; swap their 4x4 vehicles for a communal pony and trap; shave their heads; wear a T-Shirt which says "NOT A LOCAL" on the front and "FEEL FREE TO KICK ME" on the back and only be allowed outside between the hours of 7am and 11am which is plenty of time to walk the spaniel, buy "The Telegraph" and stock up on sweet potatoes and fresh pasta.

Some villagers don't think these steps go far enough. Local man Gordon Bernard added "...in moi day ma 'ol bewty, we would have keelhauled them...". It is thought, however, this particular practice will not be introduced unless absolutely required.

Second...and indeed, Third Homeowner, Duncan Vent-Spleen Scotchdrinker was, predictably, outraged. He said "...well its simply not on. We come to these little places, attempt to educate these people, some of us even pick them up off the road after we've hit them in our Range Rovers. And we provide employment, why, only yesterday I had a little man from the village round to trim my hedges, that'll keep him and his wretched family in bread for several days..."

"But do we get a word of thanks or a respectful tug on the forelock? No. Someone even sat in my pew in the Church last Sunday. They have the damned bells ringing at all hours, these awful little feathered things that crow in the morning and, whats even worse, theres mud everywhere!"

The controversy is sure to grow over the coming weeks as the Country vs Townie debate grows. One can only hope that it does not lead to mass outbreaks of morris dancing if the new by-laws are successful. It is thought that, if masses of men with bells around their ankles who dance about hitting each other with sticks do take to the streets, Tony Blair will send in troops to quell their merriment.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: England, Countryside

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