Newsreader has absolutely no idea what he's talking about

Written by James Wallin

Thursday, 15 February 2007

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"And that is the end of the news. From all of us at the BBC have a very good day. Now shuffle papers around."

Top newsreader, Dermot Murnaghan, has admitted he doesn't have a clue what he's talking about when he reads the news, and would in fact read ANYTHING that was put in front of him.

Accusations have been levelled at the BBC anchor man in the past, when typing errors and spelling mistakes were incorporated into the news. Thus viewers were informed by Murnaghan that Afghanistan was at the mercy of telly bans, while Saddam Hussein was said to "excited" by hanging.

In 1997, while still working for ITN he read out a script breaking the news of the death of Princess Diana, including producers' instructions to pause dramatically and wipe away a tear.

Murnaghan's admission was finally forced after a prank by a junior researcher at BBC news who wrote one piece for Murnaghan entirely in swahili and another with every noun replaced by the word boobs. The newsreader has since been heavily criticised for his gullibility in reading blindly from the autocue but praised for his excellent pronunciation in swahili.

Murnaghan released a statement today claiming "It's time for me to come clean. I have to admit that I never have the faintest idea what I'm reading out or who all these apparently important people are. I don't like newspapers or listening to the radio and I always play online snooker while the reports are playing on the Breakfast News."

The 50 year-old former astronaut and parking meter went on to say that he had initially been employed because of his good pronunciation; "but I'm completely ignorant about what these things are, even if I can pronounce them. For instance, I know that the new prime minister of Turkmenistan is Gurbanguly Berdimuhammedow, and I can say it perfectly, but I have no idea where Turkmenistan is or even what a prime minister does. I think perhaps they're like Kings only without the magical powers."

The BBC have played down calls for Murnaghan's resignation saying they have invested a lot of money in cufflinks for the presenter and have no intention of seeing them go to waste.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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