One Woman's Desperate Search For A Decent Electric Can Opener

Funny story written by Dewani Unhatched

Monday, 24 August 2020

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A tragedy - why no protests for Anna?

A desperate search is underway by a Kent woman for a decent electric can opener.

Anna Kirby-Helm Birthstone, of Deal, says she is frantic and 'stressed beyond belief' as she wades through the options available to her after her Cuisinart SC0-60 Deluxe Can Opener suddenly stopped working last Friday.

"It just stopped. Just while it was halfway opening a tin of peas," said a distraught Anna, "I mean, in the middle, halfway! I had to resort to using the manual can opener. Now I am desperately in need of a replacement. Black and Decker have a couple I like, and there are a lot on Amazon; but there are just so many. I just do not know which one to choose. And I am desperate! I am planning on having peaches tomorrow, and I am just dreading the thought of resorting to manual again. I need to find one, and I need to find it quick!"

Anna's best friend Buffy De La Sparkle has been drafted in to help with the search. She told me: "Covid-19? Black Lives Matter? Boris Johnson, the economy? Shit. You think you've got problems? You have NO idea. Everyone should just stop whining and spare a thought for Anna. Shame on everyone. Shame."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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